Press On

After several frustrating weeks of organizing people and working with leaders and changing things in the ministry I am kind of in charge of I was ready to give up. I started wondering the same thing the other leaders were asking: “why aren’t we seeing results”. Of course it’s not about the results; it’s about loving the kids and pointing them toward God, and sometimes we never will get to see the results. Still, all this work, all the frustrating hours I prayed over and cried for and worked at this ministry and sometimes I wondered whether it was really worth it. 

It’s crazy how God does the most unexpected things at the most unexpected times. Today one of the kids at my PCM accepted Christ. It happened right after we were going over the Christmas skit the kids are going to do next week. I don’t know what happened or why today, but God moved and the kid answered. One of the leaders explained it to him, then we prayed for him, then he repeated the sinner’s prayer. After we were done praying he stood up a little straighter, stuck his chest out and said, “I feel different, and….taller.” That is the power of the Holy Spirit. Moving in a kid’s heart and taking the burdens off a kid’s back and carrying them for Him. His power is crazy. The way he works is incredible. It didn’t hit me until later the incredible effect and implications of what God has done and how it’s gonna affect this kid. Dude, it’s dope! (as my kids would say, meaning incredible or crazy or amazing). This kid now has the power of the Holy Spirit inside of him, he now has a relationship with God, he now has hope, and can have peace and joy. This kid is gonna live eternally in heaven with the all-powerful God! And so do I! That puts things in perspective. There is nothing like being there while a kid accepts Christ. It is one of the best experiences. It’s a good reminder of what God has done in my life, for me, and how I should respond to His love. God works in crazy ways.

This week one kid couldn’t come to church because he was in the hospital because of suicidal thoughts/ threats. This is another kid that I have been working with for 2 years. Satan and his demons are working as well, thank God they weren’t as successful.

Last week was basically the final straw for me. Last week one of my kids from PCM couldn’t come to church because he got caught smoking. The next day when I saw him at his school (that I volunteer at), he couldn’t even look at me. This is a kid that faithfully comes to our Thursday night church and I have been building a relationship with him for 2 years. Then this week I show up and find out one of my boys is in the hospital.

Then God moved and a kid named Charles accepted Christ in the midst of the confusion and craziness of a typical Thursday night church service at this place.

One kid is saved and gonna have eternal life, another one wants to die and would suffer eternity in hell. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s reality. This is the world I live in. This is the reality of the ministry I am a part of. It’s incredible and amazing and hard and heartbreaking.

The good news is although Satan is powerful and he is working especially and prevalently in the mind of these kids, so is God. The difference is, God is more powerful, and actually successful, while Satan and demons don’t have as much power or success. I am so thankful that God is in charge and is ruler of the earth. Imagine what life would be like if he weren’t. Imagine what life would look like if Satan ruled the earth. 

What’s weird is during the end times, Satan will rule the earth for a few years (Check out Revelation, it’s kinda scary). Thankfully in the end God (as usual) will be victorious. God is always victorious. In every battle, now and forever, God always wins.

Things I needed to be reminded of:

1. God is working, even when I don’t see it, and even when everything seems to be going wrong. 
2. God is so powerful, far more powerful then Satan.  
3. God is always victorious in the end. 
4.  God has a plan.
5. God uses the hardest times to teach us the most important things.

This leads me to one of my favorite and yet rather frustrating Bible verses :Gal 6:6-10.

Go. Read it.

I’m serious.

Pay particular attention to verse 9:

“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.”

Dude it’s so easy to give up when things get hard, or when all your hard work for God seems to be of no avail, or when you get 20 emails in 1 day about everything that is wrong in your ministry, or when 1 of your kids tries to commit suicide, or when your staff doesn’t respect you because you are young. In the end, what really matters is whether or not you are doing this for God. In the end, God is going to be victorious, whether you were serving him or not. If you don’t give up or quit serving him, 2 things will happen. First and foremost, you will bring God glory. Second, you will be rewarded for your faithfulness if not on this earth, then in heaven.

So press on my friends. I promise it’s worth it.

Fear- Is it holding you back?

Disclaimer: This picture of a fearful child was not taken by me and I do not own it.

Fear.

Fear holds everyone back. Fear prevents dreams from coming true. Fear prevents people from doing what they know is right. Fear causes a lack of confidence. Fear of failure. Fear of what other people think. Fear of negative attention. Fear of losing people you love. Fear of dreaming too big. Fear of disappointment. Fear of being rejected. Fear of the unknown. Fear of your past coming back to bite you. Fear of matters out of your control. Fear of things and people more powerful than you.

Does fear hold you back? Why?
 
What is so bad about those things that you am afraid of?

God can use all these things that you fear for his glory. Sometimes you have to fail in one area so you can suceed in another. Sometimes you have to lose something to gain something more. Sometimes you have to face disapointment so God can open a different and better door.

 We have no reason to fear.

We have a relationship with the Almighty God, the Creator and Ruler of the Universe.

We have no reason to fear.

God cares so much and has complete control over every aspect of our lives.

We have no need and no reason to fear.

God knows exactly what he's doing.

We have no reason to fear.

God is the One thing that we can completley trust, because he wants whats best for us.

We have no reason to fear.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose"-Rom 8:28

We have no reason to fear.

So instead of living in fear, we should be living in faith. 

"Don't let the fear of striking out hold you back"-Babe Ruth

We have no reason to fear.

"To hold back in fear does not speak well of one's faith"-John W. Quinn

When I think of fear there is the song that I think of from the 90's called "Fear Not" based on Isaiah 43, which says:

"But now, this is what the Lord says—
    he who created you, O Jacob,
    he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.
³ For I am the Lord, your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
    Cush and Seba in your stead.
⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
    and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
    and people in exchange for your life.
⁵ Do not be afraid, for I am with you;"    -Is 43:1-5

We have no reason to fear.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself"-FDR

We have no reason to fear.

5"In my anguish I cried to the Lord,
    and he answered by setting me free.
⁶ The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.
    What can man do to me?
⁷ The Lord is with me; he is my helper.
    I will look in triumph on my enemies.

⁸ It is better to take refuge in the Lord
    than to trust in man.
⁹ It is better to take refuge in the Lord
    than to trust in princes."-Ps 118:5-9

We have no reason to fear. God is on our side.

Thoughts on Rwanda

Hey so it has been a few months since I got back from Rwanda, and some of you guys have yet to hear anything about it or how it changed me. I don’t really know how to articulate how incredible my experience was or how blessed I was by it or how it changed my view of God, life, my future, and people. Here is what I know.

I have a problem. 20 incredible boys have stolen my heart. Before I left for Rwanda an incredibly wise woman gave me some advice, and I think this is the only advice anyone gave me before I left. She said to me in the middle of the shampoo aisle at Walmart: “Guard your heart”. 

Haha whoops. Honestly, I tried, but it didn’t work out the way I was intending it to. The first few weeks of my internship I tried my best not to get too attached to anyone or to allow anyone to get too close to me, but I quickly realized that wasn’t going to work. God did not call me to guard my heart. God called me to love the people he created with every fiber of my being, so that’s what I did. 

From Left to Right: Veterne, Me, Daniel, Simeon, Gustave

Now I can’t stop thinking about them. I can’t stop thinking about Pacificue and his incredible smile that reaches from the bottom of his chin to the top of his forehead despite the situation he finds himself in of being rejected and abandoned by his relatives, and the way he would happily skip from place to place and giggle in excitement at every little thing. Now I can’t stop thinking about D’amour who was raised in a child run household, and the way he always found a way to make me laugh even when I was on the verge of tears, and how he took the time to get to know me and tried to teach me Kinyrwanda, and became one of my best friends while I was there. Now I can’t stop thinking about Veterne and how sweet and patient he is despite his polio. Now I can’t stop thinking of David and his incredible voice and pray that someday he will become the famous singer he has dreamed of being and was created to be. I can’t stop thinking of Paul and how he is the same age as me, and how hard he studies and how much he appreciates his education, because without it he would have no hope of a good life, when me and my friends constantly complain about homework and classes and don’t realize how blessed we are to have an education. I can’t stop thinking of Daniel and his servant’s heart and the way he shyly followed me around, longing for attention and giggling in delight every time I acknowledged him, and his leadership among the little boys. I can’t stop thinking about mischievous Little Man and how he was my little shadow, whose cry I would wake up to every morning, and the way he would talk to me all day long in Kinyrwanda thinking I could understand, and how he would frequently ask “urashaka guchina” (Do you want to play?), and how he always managed to get himself into some kind of trouble. I will never cease to be amazed how he could imitate anything I said in English perfectly, even if he didn’t know what I was saying. I am so glad they found his grandmother and he is happily living under her care. I can’t stop thinking about Claude and the look on his face when he gave me the picture he drew of me or the excitement he would have when it was time to “study computer”. I can’t stop thinking about Baby who tried so hard to be cool and the time when we went to the market together and he was so protective of me, and adamantly insisted on carrying my bulging bag of vegetables the entire walk back, or the way he cried when he gave devotions that one Saturday. I can’t stop thinking about Berco, the jokster of the group and the way he would laugh at everyone and everything and the way he would show off and then joke about how strong he was and how I should hire him to be my body guard. I can’t stop thinking about Twizeremana and Mwizergwa and how they would whisper about me in Kinyrwanda as if I could understand what they were saying. I can’t stop thinking about Jdhudi and how he would curiously and sneakily touch my hair frequently as he sat near me, or the time when he had me read the entire first grade Kinyrwanda reader to him as he patiently pointed to each word and taught me all the Kinyrwanda sounds and gently corrected my pronunciation.  I can’t stop thinking about tiny Papi and how he would sit so close to me as I wrote in my journal on my computer outside or the way he would watch me through the window when I was in the office or peak around the corner shyly when I was in the kitchen. I can’t stop thinking about Patrick and the fear in his eyes when I talked to him about reintegration and having him move back in with his parents. I can’t stop thinking about Simeon and the way he tried so hard and worked so hard at school and how much he loved trying to imitate my funny faces while we took pictures together or how shocked he was when I helped him clean up the floor after lunch one day. I can’t stop thinking about little Patrick and how tough he tried to be when inside his heart was breaking for his dying mother. I can’t stop thinking about sweet little Eric and how he cared so much for everyone always making sure everyone was included and happy and ok. I can’t stop thinking about Gustave and Jackie and how they left everything including behind to raise and nurture and teach twenty growing boys and how they use the money they earn to pay for their siblings to go to school. I can’t stop thinking about the incredible conversations I had with Gustave and how much he taught me, or how he always managed to find something to tease me about, especially when we were teaching the older boys, and how much he loved talking in and learning English, and how he was such a good sport with all the things I made him do for my English classes such as playing with playdough, pretending to be a dr, drawing a picture of his dream house and explain it, or how he would mock me in a high pitched voice when I said “ I do not speak Kinyrwanda and I do not know what you are saying, please speak English”. I learned so much from each of my boys.

I can’t stop thinking about how everyday these boys would thank God that they were alive. Every day they would thank God for giving them food, because they know what it is like to go without food. Every day they would thank God for his blessings, even though it looked to me like these boys didn’t have anything to thank God for. After every time someone shared a praise they would all either bang loudly on the tables or wave their hands in the air to show God their appreciation. I will never forget the nights when I sat in on their devotions as Gustave translated it for me.

All these boys and all their hearts are incredible, yet they have no hope except in Christ. They have no future except in Christ. They have no identity in their culture, except in Christ. These boys are the lowest of the low, rejected by family and society, living on the streets with no job, no food, no home, no money, no friends, nothing except Christ. Yet those boys are so full of hope and joy and patience and love and peace and grace and courage and faith. And it’s all because of Christ.

Goofing off with my boys

Now. Now I can’t stop thinking about them and their lives and their past and their present and their future. Now I wonder what will happen to them if the government decides to shut down the home I worked. Now I wonder if they will ever get the chance they deserve. Now I wonder who is going to take care of them and love them and tell them about Jesus. Now I wonder why I can’t be there with them and play with them and teach them and laugh with them every day. Now I wonder why I have to finish school in this overly obsessed, disgusting materialistic culture while they are blessed to go to school and appreciate and notice all of their blessings in life. Now I wonder why I am so jealous of their lifestyle when I have everything I want and need and they don’t even have safe drinking water. Now I wonder why I was happier living with them even though it made me sick, then in the states where I am drowning in things I don’t need. Now I pray for them every day. Now I thank God for everything he taught me through them. Now I pray that God would take care of them and bless them and give them a future. Now I pray that they will know and grow and love Him more than ever. Now I pray that as they grow up and are integrated back into their village they share their knowledge of God not only with their mouths but through the way they live their lives. Now I pray that God would use the lowest of society to bring about a revival in Rwanda. Now I pray that those boys would change their country and lead it to Christ. Now I pray that God would use each and every boy to further his Kingdom in incredible ways. Now I know that these boys have so much potential and I can’t wait to see how God is going to use them to do incredible things for his glory. Now I pray daily for my boys and wish I could be there with them, but I know that God has a reason for bringing me back to the States for a time. Now I just want to back to Africa.

Lessons from my two and three year old friends

Who knew you could learn so much from babysitting two and three year olds? I realized all the things this weekend. Bear with me as I try to remind you of truth of who God is and what he has given us and how we should respond to his incredible blessings of love and grace.

 

Lesson 1: Unconditional love

God’s unconditional love is absolutely incredible. This weekend I babysat a three year old and two twin two year olds. I love them to death, but the three year old was determined to test my love for him as much as possible. Every day when I put him down for his nap after each incredibly rough morning he would say “ I love you forever and for always”, and I would say it back to him. Today, after he threw my phone across the room because he didn’t want to take a time out after misbehaving repeatedly, when he said “I love you forever and for always”, I had a really hard time believing it. After him disobeying me repeatedly and ignoring my warnings, how could he say that he loves me? If he loves me so much, then why doesn’t he respect me? Later, the couple that takes over my babysitting shift told me that the 3 year old really loves me, apparently he was praying for me last night in his bedtime prayers and thanked God that I came and played with him today and forgave him when he was rude. I guess the kid does love me, I just wish he would act on that love.

                I bet that’s how God feels, there are so many times when I ignore his warnings and don’t listen to what he is saying. I wonder if he ever doubts my love. Do I show God my love for him everyday in the way I live my life? Or am I just kind of taking advantage of the fact that he will love me no matter what I do and hopes he knows that I love him back? How can I practically respect and show God how much I love him? He has done so much for me and put up with all my disobedience and complaining and ignorance. How can I thank him? Am I showing my love for God by how I live my life?

Lesson 2: We need our Daddy

                It’s so weird how different a child is when their dad leaves them, even if it is just a few hours. The child transforms into a completely different person without their mom and dad’s comfort, presence, and direction. Even though the child is not left alone it is always harder for him to listen, harder for him to be comforted, and doesn’t know what to do with himself and he completely falls apart when his parents aren’t around.

                It’s the same with God, without God we would completely fall apart. We should be and can take advantage of the fact that he is our daddy. Only he is the perfect daddy that will never leave us, and will always love us no matter how badly and how much we misbehave.

Lesson 3: Total Reliance

                So about a year ago I babysat the twins when they were only one year olds. It is so different babysitting them now compared to them a year ago. They went from being totally reliant on their caretaker for every need to attempting to do things themselves, and trying and failing and making a mess. Then they run back to their caretaker for comfort and help. It is an endless cycle of trying and failing and looking for comfort and help. Such is my life. I went from complete reliance on God this summer, which was fantastic, to trying to be independent. I went from relying on God for everything to this endless cycle of trying and failing and making a mess, then running to God for comfort and help. Let’s just say when it comes to life and God, life is so much better and less painful and messy when I rely on God for everything instead of trying to do things by myself and making a mess and breaking things and then having to go back to God for him to clean it all up. Dude, I just want to go back to the total reliance on God thing, because this whole independent thing isn’t working so well and it’s not how God wanted this to be. I am glad my twinsies are growing up, but there are some parts of our faith that we shouldn’t try to grow out of, and one of those things is total reliance.